Saturday, January 01, 2005
year 2004.wad can i say but sadd.love hurts.theres this girl. i loved her. i've never felt anything like that before. i would think of her everyday,but it seems that everytime we talk, i would run out of things to say but there seem to be many things going inside my head. i would feel happy just seeing her,i would feel happy being with her, even if there was just total silence. Everytime i would hold the phone in my hand, anticipating the sms reply happily. But it just wasnt meant to be. One sided love was never going to work. Day by day, my heart broke as we drifted further and further.
This was the beginning of the days which I couldnt take it and just broke down. Those nights that seemed like forever, gotta thank melody, alan and other friends for cheering me up whenever i was down. I seemed so unusual, not the usual me everyone knew. One of the days i remember was a certain friday in school, throughout every lesson my head was bent down. everyone was asking me why my eyes were red. "just a cold". im a great liar. i didnt want to cry in school. i just thought its shameful. it was painful. my comrade also liked her. and there was this unavoidable friction between me and him during that time. Seeing him and her together few times was heartbreaking. but soon, he lost feelings for her. at first,he didnt know i liked her till it was too late. he didnt mean any harm and i acknowledge that. now of course, we're great friends again. then came friendship week, where anyone could dedicate songs through the PA system. I dedicated a song to her. "If I let you go" by her favourite boyband, Westlife.nice lyrics huh. just perfect for me.
"But if I let you go,
I will never know,
what my life would be,
holding you close to me.
Will I ever see
you smiling back at me?
How will I know if I let you go?"
She wasn't even around to hear it when it was played. sighh fate huh? Weeks past by, I pretended to be who I wasnt, tried to cheer up but couldnt. I promised myself that I would give up only when she is with another guy. Then came that day.. I didnt know to feel sad or happy. Maybe I could be smiling and crying at the same time? "take comfort in knowing that if she's happy, you're happy too." that was the day i let go. i didnt want to be any 3rd party. I can't. At least shes found her happiness. Slowly, I could get over her.
*Several months later
Heaven sent a girl with a broken heart, but I love her so. We were just normal friends,but slowly, I realized how nice and sweet she was. I didnt know if I liked her, but shes the first gal that could make me smile whenever i see her. Feelings began to grow, i was sure i liked her. there were times when she was sad, but the very next day she would be her same happy self again. I loved talking to her, even if it was crap or some boliao stuff I would still be smiling away.. maybe you're even reading this now, I know you wouldnt believe me if I said you're the sweetest and nicest and cutest girl I ever knew.I fell in love with her.
But she told me to forget about her. Her heart was closed. it was torn to pieces. she doesnt deserve this 1 bit. i hate to think which asshole did that to her. sighh sometimes I just feel like letting go again. but i know i cant bring myself to do that. I wanna walk every step with you till the end, I wanna help you mend your broken heart. even if it means hurting myself. just let me be and help you. sigh..
One day, if ever you love me too, you'll say it's ok.
19 days. 9 words. the day before i went to australia. 19 days after that. only 9 words. everynight I would go to the cybercafe, hoping u were online, but u werent. Till 1 day, but all dere was were 9 words "hi i gtg le. take care in australia. bye" I missed you. for 19 days..
u always felt bad for making me sad, but truth is, i never once blamed you a single bit. these were my choices, they werent caused by you. i chose to be like this,its my own fault. not yours. okk..
onesidedlove
fanaticme->3:20 AM